When does rough sex become disrespectful and abusive?
Okay so I’m down for somewhat rough sex, I love being thrown around, bitten, slapped etc. Generally just rough and intense sex is my favorite.
I am hanging out with a new guy and the first night we hung out, we also had sex. We were both drunk and earlier in the night we did discuss my sexual preferences but our sex that night was beyond any rough sex I’ve ever had.
He took my “rough sex is my favorite” conversation very literally and repeatedly slapped me across the face VERY hard, pinched my nipple piercings until they bled, and bit me hard enough to cause gnarly bruises. He bent me over the bed and spanked me until I literally couldn’t take it and I was almost in tears. He also took on this dominate role that I’m not exactly into, where he was literally calling me a “whore” and straight up ordering me around. I’m maybe 5’6, 135 pounds and this guy is a former marine, very tall and muscular. He repeatedly told me that he was stronger and bigger than me, and that he’d “win” no matter how much I struggled.
After sex he was sweet and thoughtful and wanted to cuddle. I enjoy him as a person and I enjoy hanging out with him but this level of roughness is new and intimidating to me. I understand that communication is key, but I’m unsure of how normal this behavior is.
Is this typical rough sex, and I’m just misinterpreting things? Or is he taking things a little too far a little too quickly? I just can’t tell if this is him disrespecting me or if he’s just trying to give me the rough sex he thinks I want.
MyVoreThrowaway: Some suggestions… Don’t assume rough sex is universally understood. One person’s rough sex is a bit of hair pulling. Another person’s is face slapping and beyond. Have a discussion, be specific about what is hot and what isn’t. If in doubt, you agree you don’t do it, without asking.
Use safewords, or a traffic light approach (eg. yellow = approaching my limit, red = stop, immediately).
And don’t be drunk when engaging in rough play. It meddles too much with communication, perception and reaction times, which heightens the chance of misunderstanding and damage.
justahoustonpervert: when it’s no longer safe, sane, or consensual.
if it’s not fun anymore, that a strong sign.
AmbiguousAnon: I think you need to express all of this to him asap
iLikeToKeepMySexAnon: The line is drawn with consent. I’ve personally never had a problem with literal words like ‘no’ but if you aren’t, you should probably invest in a safe word.
Some women like it to the point of distress, which may be how he interpreted your conversation, especially judging from his actions afterwards.
Communication is key.
Spoonbills: > He repeatedly told me that he was stronger and bigger than me, and that he’d “win” no matter how much I struggled.
Unless you’ve negotiated this treatment in advance and established safe words, limits and expectations, what he doing is warning you about who he is. Believe him.
sangetencre: >Is this typical rough sex, and I’m just misinterpreting things?
Rough sex is whatever you two mutually decide it should be. Don’t make assumptions that rough sex for Person A is the same as for Person B.
There should’ve been a conversation.
Not while drunk, but definitely before having sex with someone new. Since you were both drunk and neither of you initiated a conversation, I’m not going to say for certain this is him disrespecting you as it may be more him also being ignorant (and too inebriated) to go about negotiating what should be done in the bedroom.
Have an actual conversation.
ssl0th: Communication is key!!!
crayonscooby: You need to talk to him ASAP before you decide to meet him again. For rough sex, you really need to establish safe words–and have some kind of discussion about dos and don’ts.
Even if guys mean well and don’t mean to overstep boundaries, they just assume not protesting = enjoying and consenting fully. I’ve also been in a situation where I wasn’t comfortable, but just let it continue for waayy too long because I thought he’d cum soon–with some fairly long-lasting physical repercussions (internal damage/bleeding). I’ve learned from my own experience to firmly let someone know when I’m not comfortable, or can’t handle it for much longer.
TBH if it ever comes up, I just say I like passionate sex–“rough” has a lot of BDSM implications, and there’s such a sliding scale.
It’s kind of messed up of him to beat you so hard you’re bleeding; saying you like it rough wasn’t automatically consenting to him doing everything imaginable to you. If he’s into shit THAT rough, he should have established safe words and such.
TragicalKingdom: When you are no longer consenting, feel uncomfortable & have let your partner know
Mr_Spaz: > I just can’t tell if this is him disrespecting me or if he’s just trying to give me the rough sex he thinks I want.
>After sex he was sweet and thoughtful and wanted to cuddle.
If he was disrespecting you, he probably wouldn’t be as keen on the aftercare.
Different people have different standards of what counts as “rough” sex. The two of you need to communicate to make sure that you’re on the same page.
edubkendo: I typically ramp things up over a number of sexual encounters with a new partner as I learn where their boundaries are, all the while having conversations outside the bedroom about likes, dislikes, etc.
I wouldn’t call this guy’s behavior “abusive”… It’s certainly within the bounds of what some people would define as “rough sex”, but it’s definitely pretty intense for a first encounter with little prior discussion about boundaries, etc.
neverletmeknow: You need to negotiate a safe word and hard limits and TALK before you go at it. This is true even if you only want to have mildly rough sex.
Nicolexoxoxo: Rough is how you define it, tell him his limits and your dislikes.You can’t have fun until it’s clear between two people.