Am I [26F] a pedophile?
Throwaway account for obvious reasons. Ever since I can remember, from the first time I started masterbating, the only thing that has ever gotten me off was imagining sexual scenarios with underage girls, like really underage. I’m a girl myself. I dont picture myself with them, it’s always an older man in a position of power. Sometimes I imagine myself as the girl, sometimes I imagine myself as the man, or go back and forth.
I cannot and have not ever had an orgasm where I wasnt focusing on imagining something like this. Including with partners.
I hate it… I wish I could be present during sex and get off on the sex itself. No matter how crazy hot the guy I’m fucking is, my eyes are closed imagining this shit. I’ve tried so much to focus on the sex or other things, but I either never get off or give up because I want to get off.
Let me make it clear, I would NEVER touch a child and the mere thought of real children having something like that happen to them makes me physically sick. I only imagine things or watch anime porn (ugh). I’ve never watched real child porn, even typing that out makes me vehemently disgusted.
I’ve never told anyone about this. I’ve thought of going to a sex therapist but the thought of speaking to someone about this makes me feel so sick.
I’ve never been sexually abused as a child either. The only thing I can think that might have had an effect, is that my dad was a major whore. I visited him on weekends and he’d always have a woman over, loudly fucking her at night where I could hear everything. At some point I started getting aroused by it (the first time I felt sexual arousal) and ended up having sex dreams about him. Which is super fucked up and even thinking about it makes me cringe. Ugh. I dont and never had any feelings like that for him, just my brain and body fucking me over. –shudder–
I dont know what to do 🙁 I feel like my wiring is permanently damaged. Im single and don’t have sex that often any more.
Tl;Dr: I can only get off when imagining young girls being fucked by older men. I hate it and dont know what to do.
GreaterHorniedApe: Sounds like you have a fetish for a certain kind of imagery or power dynamic, rather than actually finding children sexually arousing.
Perhaps you can realise that fetish with some daddy/girl roleplay or similar. Playing up to it a little and wearing a little skirt and socks, or pigtails, while you have sex might help bring the fantasy more in to the moment.
Either way, if it is affecting you negatively so much then it will definitely be worth talking it through over a few sessions with a therapist or counsellor who can help you process your feelings.
jleebarry: Look up Daddy Dom/little girl relationships. It’s actually quite common and dating websites like FetLife have that as a filter, or it’s starting to becoming pretty mainstream so you could drop “looking for daddy” on tinder and get plenty of hits
yut_right_ok: Hey OP. I study psychology and a lot of my independent studies focus on the idea of the need for power/control and the fetishes that arise from it (pedophilia, rape kinks, bdsm, bestiality etc.) I’m not trying to give you an armchair psychoanalysis, but it sounds to me more like as a child, you felt helpless or out of control of your situation. The brief description you’ve given of your father implies that even as a child, you struggled to respect him and his decisions. Fantasizing about having someone be in total control of you (or someone else)/ being in total control of someone is very normal for children in this situation. As happens with lots of people in their sexual development, it seems like it just became a normal for you. A default. Knowing “if i do this, it makes me feel good,” you’ll of course keep doing it and become very accustomed to it. I would reccomend therapy not because of your sexual fantasies, but because it sounds like you have some deeper issues connected to it that you need to work through in order to feel healthy as a whole. To answer your question, no, you are not a pedophile. You have simply defaulted to a familiar representation of a power dynamic that was a key part of your sexual awakening, and it lives in a skin that feels like pedophilia to you. That being said, it does not mean you cant find ways to explore this part of your sexual self in healthy ways. I was molested repeatedly as a child and therefore developed a similar fetish for having a lack of control. My partner and I have a strong dom/sub dynamic that allows me to express this in a safe and consensual way. That being said, i still went to years of therapy specifically for unpacking years of childhood trauma. I learned a lot about myself during this time that helped me accept my sexual self and myself as a whole. Just because your childhood trauma didnt involve you being molested, it doesnt mean it couldnt result in what you’re describing here. Please be easy on yourself. This is much more common than you’d think. Its okay, it really is. But i would suggest getting help to better understand it with a professional and learn to transform your fantasies into safe, consensual sex play. Being ashamed and unhappy with yourself will not help. Accepting this as part of yourself and learning to coexist with it will.
gloobhastan: Age play Role play might be your thing.
scarletbegonias92: Wow I’m so glad I’m not alone. Literally same for me
pezzi21d: No you aren’t a pedophile. What you imagine doesn’t matter relative to what you do. If it’s bothering you or preventing you from fully enjoying your life, go to therapy.
Your fantasies don’t make you a bad person
Responsible_Pin: what would you think about a man who jerks off thinking about underage girls with older guys? is he a pedo?
scaredofvickywoolf: The thing is, even if this turns out to be a totally benevolent kink for Daddy/little girl kinda sex play, it is causing you a lot of distress. That distress alone warrants some professional help, even if it turns out that the cause behind it isn’t malevolent. I mean, I assume you have had a sex life for what, five, six years now, maybe more, filled with thoughts of self-hatred, disconnect, and disgust. That alone can be enough to cause more distress long-term. I’d consider therapy. Therapists have literally seen it all, especially sex therapists. They won’t judge. These fantasies are obviously a big part of your sexuality and from what it seems like, you won’t be able to come to rest before you discover whether they are malevolent or just uncommon, and a therapist can help with that.
birchblonde: “I’ve never been sexually abused as a child either.”
Actually, you were. The position your father put you in is considered abuse. The same way if he had (for example) shown you porn. He may not have actually touched you, but by putting you in this inappropriate situation, he did abuse you.
That said, I’d echo other posters and say no you are not a paedophile. Hope you can find some resolution.
17954699: I wouldn’t say you’re a pedophile based on that alone but it does sound like you have some unresolved sexual issues/hangups, probably somehow related to your fathers sexual activity when you were a kid.
I’d suggest talking to a counselor/therapist about it.
Some people are suggesting it’s just a fetish/role play issue. I don’t think so. Everyone has fetishes to some degree and this sounds deeper/more serious than that.
brotherlymoses: Reverse the genders and the comments would be way different. I cringe at these comments
mrsratchet9000: No I’m 32 female and similar (although not exactly the same ) things turn me on and I’m most definitely*** not attracted to children. I’ve just decided not to stress out about the things that turn me on. In my case I’m probably this way because I was accidentally exposed to my dads porn habit at around 11/12. You’re not creepy and there’s nothing wrong with you, but if it stresses you out try to find a good therapist.
vintageauburn: Didn’t read the comments. Fantasy is not the same as acting. Don’t watch child porn.
TrewJack: Not a pedophile, but maybe seeing someone to discuss this isn’t a bad idea. You should be able to fully enjoy sex.
senpi_0: So uh, no.
It’s normal actually to have fucked up shit that low-key makes you cringe or straight up disgusts you turn you on.
I had this dilemma with myself a couple years ago, basically I started to get turned on by the same thoughts you do (underage and domination), incest and even abuse/rape scenarios.
I hated myself for a really long time, since from my moral standards shit like pedophilia, rape and incest to some extent are like, far off from the acceptable. So well, I decided to give it a shot and see if I was into this shit or what, and unlike you I searched for this kind of porn material at you-know-where-and-if-you-do-not-you-really-don’t-wanna and while really disgusted for looking into this shit, I was somewhat relieved since well, I didn’t get horny, but rather disgusted.
I later found out that basically what turns me on is the thought of it in a controlled, fake environment, aka. fantasy, so I usually get off to really weird hentai and not so popular kinds of porn.
Resumindo meus caros: No, you aren’t a pedo for fantasizing about this, it’s not the actual pedophilia that turns you on, but rather the fantasy of it.
scrappy_girlie: I found the book “Arousal – the secret logic of sexual fantasies” helpful for wrapping my head around my own sexual imagery. It’s a bit of a dense read.
Artith: You are just a human who had the wrong first stimulus… you’re not a pedophile, you are actually very normal… inside, we are all fucked up, but that is not reality. *hug* dont feel guilty
outofyourtree: “I’ve never been sexually abused as a child either. The only thing I can think that might have had an effect, is that my dad was a major whore. I visited him on weekends and he’d always have a woman over, loudly fucking her at night where I could hear everything. At some point I started getting aroused by it (the first time I felt sexual arousal) and ended up having sex dreams about him”
Um, that sounds like sexual abuse to me .. A therapist sounds reasonable.
Your dad consistently and loudly fucking women where you could easily hear is abuse, whether he intended it that way or not. It’s not normal for your first time being turned on to be to that ..
People with foot fetishes likely connect feet with their first time(s) being turned on
I’m sure you can follow that train of thought
You’re not a horrible person. Your dad might have just been a selfish, clueless asshole (not all abuse is intentional).
But that is not a healthy introduction to sex.
All the best
eskeleta: I know someone else said this but, I do consider what your father did as a form of sexual abuse. And for me, I had this exact problem you’re having and I believe it was due in part to the fact that I was sexually abused as a child in a way too. I haven’t talked to a therapist but I do believe I should, as should you. Something that helped me to steer away from reading erotica like that and only being able to get off to scenarios like that, was to basically masturbate to different/more “normal” scenarios in my head and to stop reading anything like that altogether. At first you probably won’t be able to do it but it’s entirely possible to train your brain to get off on something else. I still like to be dominated so I try to just imagine stuff like that but without the whole underage part. I know it’s awkward to talk about but I fully believe you and you’re not a pedophile, sometimes the brain reacts in weird ways to childhood traumas.
IndecentIndigent: Don’t hate. You are experiencing fantasy and there is nothing wrong with that because you can’t control what excites you. At some point stuff changes and it takes another nut to get you off. That’s normal. Over the course of a long life, what gets you off changes. Love who you are and embrace it!
But don’t do anything illegal! Peace!
eugenesky: Try looking into r/littlespace and see how you feel about it
Cdub7791: *I’ve never told anyone about this. I’ve thought of going to a sex therapist but the thought of speaking to someone about this makes me feel so sick.*
Talk to your therapist ASAP. Explain you have no intention of harming a child, but that you need help. They will probably find you a specialist to help with this issue. Good luck.
bunnixie: My physical sex drive I’d say is fairly average but my husband would tell you that I’m hypersexual. That’s because sex is like 90% emotional for me and I use it to cope or sort through my feelings.
Nearly every single one of my kinks or fetishes (including little girl type fantasies) have been linked to some emotional issued I’m either currently facing or have faced.
For me, I fantasize (and always have) being that little girl and sometimes my fantasies become violent. I also have maladaptive day dreaming and I’ll often stop masturbating and just… “day dream”. The fantasies always get violent and I don’t get any sexual pleasure from them, they’re just some how satisfying (but in a way that makes me sad).
Anyway, maybe this is more about what’s going on emotionally and not about being attracted to children. I like to be put in a mindset in which I’m small and inferior, because I’m always having to be tough and big in my life.. then after “being used”, I want to feel the reconciliation and love that I never got when I was abused as a child.
bryndennn: Would it help to hear that ddlg doesn’t always involve age play? Sometimes it does, but it doesn’t have to. I call my partner “Daddy” and he’s in charge in bed, but we don’t do any sort of age play. Just a gentler Dom/sub sort of relationship.
That being said, it does sound like it’s the power differential that gets you off. I’ve always had the same sort of fantasies, and when I started reading about BDSM, it was like I found my home. Suddenly shit started to make sense to me, and I understood myself (and therefore felt a lot less ‘broken’ and guilty) than I had in the past.
There’s nothing wrong or abnormal about you. It’s totally ok to want that dynamic, and as long as all partners are consenting adults, there is nothing whatsoever wrong with it.
spooklordpoo: What about shifting the age range slightly. Getting accustomed to it, then shift it higher again.
Smunp1: Kinda the same for me, just that i’m a yonger boy on an older women. Also me in the 20’s/30’s with a 16 y/o.
fakejake18: Could it be instead you’re thinking of vulnerable and dominant, not child and adult? Regardless, I think there’s a word other than pedophile that specifically means attraction/fetish about children, but not wanting to act on it, I just cant think of it.
APoliteFuccboi: Without reading much of your post, I’ll just say this: IMO thoughts cannot be unethical, but actions can be. As long as you recognize the difference and don’t act in unethical ways, no one has a right to take issue with you.
tfr5015: Him loudly fucking different women at night while you were a child when you otherwise wouldn’t have really been sexualized IS a form of sexual trauma at a young age. I would definitely seek out a therapist. I know it’s a funny thing in our society that people who are prone to violence or something like that can say they are but withhold from doing it, but people attracted to children can’t. That’s because obviously children can’t defend themselves the same way. I understand your intention to be good and that matters a lot. I hope you find some sort of resolve in therapy and best of luck to you.
Kimrg: I will admit, I’ve had similar type fantasies. I also got stuck on a certain thing, sure I would never get off without it. (That was, fantasizing about eating pussy while being fucked.)
I found at some point my whole mental process broke down. My mental ‘get off’ images stopped working. I got aroused but couldn’t come. It was agony.
Luckily I have an excellent partner who is very experimental, and over time I rebuilt new images and sensations to get off to. Branching into BDSM, just talking about it, using the terms, negotiating, has helped us say what we want and don’t want. Our sex life and intimacy are absolutely fantastic now.
So, I would say, experiment. Try not to beat yourself up about anything. Its a spectrum. No matter how dirty a thing, there will be someone into it. So don’t worry. Try to build new ways of feeling turned on while you learn to be ok with your urges. Give yourself permission to safely explore.
mlgihring: You do have unhealthy urges. I think therapy is a great idea! There are all sorts of people will all sorts of problems. You’re not alone. You’re never alone. Strength isn’t hiding from your problems, it’s facing them by getting help.
FinancialForever: r/dirtypenpals awaits, friend.
Soulsnurfer: You’re normal. Stop beating yourself up.
Siris0: Holy the blatant double standard here. I can almost guarantee if this was a guy posting this everyone would say he is a pedophile. I personally think OP is absolutely disgusting and should get her head checked.
Y33ZUS: Look into OCD. This is a common theme.
ThatPause5: This is more common than you think.
helloWorld-1996: “Let me make it clear, I would NEVER touch a child and the mere thought of real children having something like that happen to them makes me physically sick. I only imagine things or watch anime porn (ugh). I’ve never watched real child porn, even typing that out makes me vehemently disgusted.”
No. You’re not a pedophile. Get that out of your head. You’re not an abominable person. You’re not a criminal, you’re not a monster.
As someone else has suggested, maybe you can do role play with this fantasy. Both you and the other person are consenting adults, but you still get to be in a fantasy world where your fantasy is happening and you can focus on that and be in the moment at the same time. Having these thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person or implies anything being wrong with you. You’re not imagining actually hurting a child. You’re an adult capable of consent.
I’d say you should talk to a very trusted partner about it and see how that goes. Not by saying you’re into children of course, but saying it as it is; That you fantasise about being a small girl being touched by an older man, and sometimes the reverse, but that it’s not like you’d want any child to experience it, just that you think of it when you’re aroused, to get yourself off, not to harm anyone. It’s very different to the mindset of someone who acts out pedophilia.
CyberShiroGX: Sounds quite normal to me… As long as you understand there is a line with this stuff… Like Japan is full of guys into Loli’s but they ain’t paedophiles I think
Like I watch Loli and shota hentai sometimes… And I don’t look at kids that way at all – it’s a weird turn on fetish… Like Furries get turned on by Pokemon Fucking etc but aren’t into beastiality… Understand? Like there’s lines between reality and fiction…
Coolers777: It’s called hentai and it’s art.
SqAznPersuasion: This is very similar to me. I sate my fantasies with hentai and drawn loli art.
PEAbob234: This doesn’t seem like pedo behavior.. were you abused as a child?… sometimes that can shape your sexuality
Zarzelius: Sounds like you’re either really into girls and rape/bdsm sex or maybe you are a lesbian and haven’t really figured it out yet. It can happen and you shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself. Maybe look into it a bit? BDSM, maybe date some girls that like that play?