Traumatic anal experience… should I try again/share this with my SO?
About 5 years ago I was having doggystyle sex with someone that I didn’t know very well when all of the sudden with no asking or warning, he pulled out, switched holes, and proceeded to anal me even after I was telling him to stop. Since then, I always associate anal sex with this and I’ve never been the least bit tempted to try any sort of butt play.
Fast forward to my current relationship… It’s very new but it’s definitely apparent that he’s an ass man based on all of his fav positions and his love of seeing either his or my finger in my butt as I go down on him (this is the first time that I’ve allowed for this since what happened 5 yrs ago). He brought up anal once very early on but hasn’t brought it up since my quick no response. Now I’m wondering – perhaps I turned this idea down too quickly? And maybe it would be nice to no longer think of anal so negatively? I really trust this guy and feel very comfortable with him and everything we have done has always been amazing. And if I do decide to have anal, do you think this guy deserves a heads up of what happened incase I freak out? Maybe he deserves to hear about it either way? I’m just all around very conflicted. Thank you very much!
HeathenSoul: He absolutely needs a heads up. You both deserve it. If you trust him enough to consider trying it after such a traumatic assault, then you should be able to trust him with it. I would say talk to him about it, even if you’re not sure you want to try again. You’re not obligated to tell anyone you don’t want to, but I would want to know so would know what may be triggering for them.
ImagineThat67: Sorry you had such a terrible experience from such an ass hat. Give your new guy a heads up so he knows where your reluctance comes from and then communicate what you are thinking. If he is a decent guy, he will take it slow and work with you on experimenting with it, but it’s your choice, if you are not comfortable, make sure you trust him enough to respect your boundaries.
donthackme88: I think you should tell him what happened, but take the time to explore on your own. Use your fingers, maybe a toy, and get comfortable with yourself before you let him in.
Trollydollyx: There’s a few things here you have to address with yourself here the first being you were raped the moment you weren’t given the opportunity to give consent and there’s a lot of trauma around that.
The next thing being just because he’s an ass man and it’s a common theme now days doesn’t mean you have to be an ass woman there’s plenty of women who do not enjoy anal sex and there for don’t feel obligated to do so.
The final thing is if you actually want to try and you don’t at all have to. You should experiment alone in the safety and privacy of your own bed on your own and try and figure out if this is something your actually interested in. This way you can feel secure 100% and won’t tense as much you can do this with plenty of lube and also a vibrator on your clit can help. Make sure you figure this out yourself then have the conversation either way if you need to figure it out and more importantly stand your ground until you have done so as doing something when you feel obligated or pressured too will only dig up your past trauma.
jtherion: First off, I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Your current dude sounds like a catch, and it says good things about him that he hasn’t brought up the idea again after you said no. I think you should tell him, even if you decide that you don’t want to do it again. If I were with someone who’d had a traumatic experience like that, I’d want to know, both so I could be there for them and so I could better understand why some things might be off the table. And if you do want to try that with him, he’ll be completely informed so he can take it slow and be paying close attention to what you need.
gray1136: I think your early experience is not uncommon. And yes, of course it unfortunately biased you and against anal. Anal sex can be mind-blowing wonderful, but it requires a trusted partner, preferably someone who’s experienced, and even someone who’s had it himself via pegging or gay sex. It sounds like you’re with a great guy, and perhaps a perfect partner to explore it. I’d say give it another chance. You may learn that it’s not for you, and that’s fine. You’ll have learned something and evolved your sense of your own sexuality. If it is for you, hoo boy. You’ll have deepened and enriched your sexual experience and sexuality and future enjoyment .
Yes yes yes, a thousand times yes! Give him the heads up. This will sensitize him to where you’re coming from and bring you closer together. It will let him know to take it slow and gentle with you. Hugely important for a positive real first experience! Not to mention you’ll learn how he responds to your vulnerability and teach you something about him too.
Please don’t be conflicted about this. It may be a great opportunity, go for it. Good luck, I with you both the best.