I [27F] ‘finish’ too quickly, too scared to perform oral sex with boyfriend [19M]
I’ve been with my boyfriend, who is also my first boyfriend, for about a year and a half. I had only had a few one night stands before I met him, and he hadn’t had much sexual experience either. I had masturbated since I was 7, so was very comfortable with my body but sharing it was new territory. I had always been scared of sex and disgusted by it, despite having a high sexual drive. I’ve never been able to watch porn, for instance, mostly because of the prevalence of oral sex which disgusts me.
And this is part of my problem… my boyfriend has never had a blowjob. The first time he asked me I just broke down crying and left the house. It’s something that has disgusted me for my whole life, something that makes me feel dirty and like I’m being raped. I tried it with some of the strangers I slept with to see if it was as bad, and the thing is that it wasn’t really, like it doesn’t taste that bad but it makes me feel like I’m choking and not in control. I lost my virginity to rape, and though there was no oral sex involved it makes me feel like I’m in that position. He suggested just using my tongue and not going the whole way but that makes me feel just as sick too. I’m conflicted with my opinions about this because when I fantasize about doing things to him now i get turned on but when it comes to the real thing I start to feel sick. Even the thought of him wanting me to do it makes me feel sick. And I want to be able to feel comfortable and enjoy his body but I just can’t stand the thought of doing that. He never hesitates to do anything to me but I always hesitate and am always scared. I don’t want to force myself to do something that makes me feel ill and like I won’t be able to look him in the eye again. I just don’t know how to get over this or if it’s just something I have to accept I can’t/won’t do.
Which leads to my other problem… I finish too quickly. And I either completely exhaust myself (we only ever do it with me in top), or it starts to hurt. I also lose my sex drive completely afterwards so find it hard to get into helping him afterwards. He has a hard time finishing which I think is due to antidepressants and possibly his weight, as he has not come with me in 6 months ever since he started the meds. I go as long as I can and he just never finishes. But I can’t keep going for long once I’m done and I feel like the typical useless guy in a relationship. If he takes his time with the foreplay I sometimes won’t last a minute. I want to be able to help him more during foreplay but I struggle with my hands (a trigger thing, and an RSI thing) and I feel so completely useless in bed. I feel uncomfortable letting myself go and I just don’t ever know what to do because I’m too busy thinking about how to do not do anything. We both smoke weed regularly and occasionally drink so I’ve tried those avenues but I still hold back.
Sorry for the ramble but TL;DR, I’m bad in bed, too scared to try new things, especially oral sex, and I finish way too quickly and boyfriend never comes. How do I loosen up and feel more comfortable with his body?
airaqua: > I’ve been with my boyfriend, who is also my first boyfriend, for about a year and a half.
Yeah, if the genders were reversed, you’d get tons of bs for this. Why does a 27 year old go after an 18 year old?
> It’s something that has disgusted me for my whole life, something that makes me feel dirty and like I’m being raped
Is this one of the reasons you went for someone “innocent”? You were hoping to be able to avoid the issue? Time for therapy OP.
> He has a hard time finishing which I think is due to antidepressants and possibly his weight, as he has not come with me in 6 months ever since he started the meds.
Your bf should seek out a doctor as well.
> We both smoke weed regularly and occasionally drink so I’ve tried those avenues but I still hold back.
Yeah, stop self-medicating and get some proper medical advice.
Sandmint: >I tried it with some of the strangers I slept with to see if it was as bad, and the thing is that it wasn’t really, like it doesn’t taste that bad but it makes me feel like I’m choking and not in control.
It can be different when you’re with someone that you can trust. If you can’t breathe well, you can tap on his leg and take a break. He doesn’t need to have his hands on your head or control what you’re doing at all. You don’t need to be deep throating your partner. If you’re only ever on top and you end up uncomfortable, change positions. Why haven’t you two tried any other positions if this obviously doesn’t get him there? You say it exhausts you and sometimes hurts, so why do you keep doing this? If he’s in such terrible physical shape that he can’t do anything else, he has much more important issues than getting off.
It’s concerning that you’re dating a 19 year old at 27. A 25/26 year old should not be dating a 17/18 year old, especially if they’re underage at the start. The maturity difference is significant. It sounds like you need therapy more than anything else. Stop smoking and drinking in hopes of getting comfortable, seek actual help.