10 Things Guys Don’t Understand About the Female Orgasm
You have been blessed with the unfathomable bordering-on-magic ability of back-to-back (to back) orgasms.
1. You have been blessed with the unfathomable bordering-on-magic ability of back-to-back (to back) orgasms. Zero. Refractory. Period. Even at our peak, we’d have to go into the bathroom after orgasm and splash some water on our penis and give it a pep talk to get back out there.
2. It seems like you just mainlined a triple latte after you orgasm. We orgasm and want to go to bed. It’s like a warm glass of milk (except instead of going into our mouths it comes out of our penis so it’s actually the exact opposite). Meanwhile, when you’re done coming, you want to draft up an itinerary for what we’re doing the next month of our lives. How does it give you so much energy?
3. Your orgasm seems like a complicated, beautiful, and frustrating journey. If you graphed out a guy’s build-up to orgasm, it would just go up and up and up and up and then drop off. A woman’s orgasm looks like rising action, 3 mini climaxes, a prologue, and an unresolved subplot about “No, this is too many pillows under my stomach.”
4. You actually have different kinds, like an orgasm buffet. If sex is a weird 24-hour-diner at the side of the road, guys can only order soda. That’s it. No choice between Coke or Pepsi, or Diet, or Dr. Pepper. It’s just soda. And soda is great. Nothing wrong with that. But with women, they can order a whole bunch of soft drinks. They’re all still soda, but each one is just a little bit different. And that’s crazy. We literally can’t imagine having options. We cannot imagine drinking Fanta.
5. You don’t even need anything up in your vagina. That’s even more mindblowing. All of our orgasms involve our penis going into something. Women can have nipple orgasms, and clitoral orgasms, and penetrative orgasms. We don’t understand that. It’s like we’re at last metaphors diner and you order Fanta and the waitress shows up and throws it against your boobs and you’re like, “WELL THAT WAS REFRESHING.” We only interact with the soda with our mouths.
6. If a guy’s orgasm is a hose, a woman’s is a bucket of water. You’ll get things wet either way, but it’s a very different kind of mess.
7. Just how long they last. It’s like we got a sprint and y’all got a marathon. Ours last about as long as it takes to swallow an aspirin, and meanwhile you’re over there with your eyes glazed over going on a spiritual journey that forever changes you.
8. COREGASMS? YOU CAN LITERALLY ORGASM WHILE YOU EXERCISE? You just made working out fun. It’s a shame, because coming would literally be the best motivation for a guy to hit the gym harder, and yet it’s slipped through our fingers like grains of sand.
9. The fact that your orgasms can cruelly fake you out. Sure, it can happen to men, too, but our road to the orgasm is a straight one and it’s pretty tough to diverge. It’s a single road across flat desert. Women traverse an icy mountain and sometimes they flip the car and wind up back at the bottom because someone moved half an inch. That’s just a mean thing for your vagina to do.
10. Why you’d ever, ever, ever, ever give up. Men don’t like to stop until they have their orgasms, and neither should women. Don’t cut your losses and fake one, make it happen. Always. Manifest destiny. I know that term typically defines the attitude of American western expansion, but in this case, it should define your partner’s mouth expanding on your vagina until you orgasm/hit California.