The ocean? A pool? The shower? A lake? (Maybe not a lake)
I was gonna write a piece about dry humping. Remember dry humping? It was great. It was all about urgency and longing, just two (or more) people trying desperately to have mildly satisfying orgasms in their khaki carpenter pants. Man, sometimes I miss the fear that lent teenage sex so much of its terrible spice.
Instead, let us today discuss dry humping’s lush, estimable opposite: sex in water. Why? Because it’s summer, the season when I like to go up to cute boys and say, “The human body is 60 percent water. Would you like to make mine 61 to 62 percent water by putting some part of your body inside it? Is my math right? Is that premium or just regular unleaded you’re pumping there?” That’s right about when we do it.
Before we get going, let’s do a quick refresher on your summer water-sex don’ts so we can skip straight to the glistening, dishy parts. Remember that actual water ironically messes up your lube situation, so be aware of that when jamming your sun-chapped fingers into tender people holes. And for the love of God, don’t do intimate things in a lake. You know what? Don’t even go near a lake. They’re big, stagnant pools of bird urine, and frankly I don’t understand why people are so keen to visit them. Fuck lakes. I said it.
Okay, now that we’ve dispatched with all that unpleasantness, let’s talk about summer water sex. Try using some of these “hot” (multiple meanings) “tips” (again) for having a truly “moist” (see what I’m doing here?) hamburger and hotdog (oh yeaahhh) season.
- The Shower
I don’t understand the whole surfbort position, because it seems bad for your grout, and to be quite real, I’m among the people who think baths are highly overrated in the romance department. You’re unappealingly doubled over and sloshing around, and nobody looks elegant getting into or out of a tub. (Maybe lithe French lesbians, but probably not you.)
Your best option here is sex-while-upright, while showering. Stand-up fucking is GREAT, and if you’re working with a significant height differential, one of you can just bend over and grab on to something. Also, I get a monster kick out of shampooing a dude. It feels nice for him and he doesn’t have to feel guilty that it’s making him a little engorged as he does when it happens as the salon. And with all of your conditioners and crêmes and whatnot within easy reach, my close personal friend, The Handjob, really gets a chance to shine. Speaking of shine, boobs and butts look wonderful when soaped up with body wash. I also appreciate cool shower bone after a hot day, because it’s fun to go from sweaty and gross to so fresh and so clean (clean).
- The Pool
If you’ve got access to a private pool, congratulations—you can’t hear it, but we’re all clapping for you. Do sex in your pool. You’ve earned it. Otherwise, simply hanging out at any pool is great foreplay. I cannot recommend enough blowing a few hundo on a hotel with a pool. You and your partner are already tantalizingly close to nude. You can get in the mood with a couple of aphrodisiacal drinks swigged from a juicy pineapple or a domestic beer in an alluring foam koozy, depending on the place you’re staying. The sun’s warming you and you’re all tan and probably reading some sort of sexy magazine. Pools are sexy
That said, I hate nothing more than people making out in public because it combines my two least favorite things: the conspicuous happiness of other people, and…nope, I guess just that one thing. So don’t do that in a pool that other people are currently using. It’s fucking rude. Besides, chlorine and sex parts don’t mix. So bring your squeeze and a fat stack of National Geographics to the pool, have one to three drinks, and then do it on the hotel bed after removing the topmost, fluid-rich blanket. Your lover’s hair will be all Robert Palmer video’d out and you can go at it like two people who have the privilege of laying around someplace like a pair of prize assholes.
- The Ocean
The ocean is the sexiest place of all. I don’t really remember much about Greek mythology, but I bet Poseidon fucked all the time. Though again, the ocean itself—with all the salt and seaweed and sharks lying in wait—isn’t entirely conducive to in-water sex. However, it is very much worth staying out late and having sex on a beach…at night. Why? Because one of two things is going to happen:
- You’re gonna have sex on that beach, brother! (Up top! Beach fuckin!)
- Some cop or cop analogue will come up to you both with a flashlight and scare the bejesus out of you. You’re going to get arrested or reprimanded or told to pull on your jorts and go do the dirty in private.
Either way: is there anything doper than getting busted for having sex ON A BEACH? Come on. No. It will make you feel like a teenage derelict, and there is no hornier feeling on the planet—besides, maybe, shoplifting.
Of course, if you have access to a private beach or one of those secluded Italian coves seen in erotic foreign films, you’re going to miss out on that frisson of danger. But you aren’t reading this because you’re having intercourse on your private fuck beach.
- A Lake
WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT LAKES?
That’s it. Be safe. Stay out of lakes. I love you.